Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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