Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
