Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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