So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
