Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
