So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
