he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
