At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
