i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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