totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
