I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
