I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize