Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
