I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We had to coat check the pizza.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
