Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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