But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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