go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
