She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
