I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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