dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
