I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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