Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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