I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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