you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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