Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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