There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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