i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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