you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
