Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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