my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
