She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
