also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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