I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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