her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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