i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
