one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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