If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
