a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
