dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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