The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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