Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
