I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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