watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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