Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize