I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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