The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
they need to just BURY HIM!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
