smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
