I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
