I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
