Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
