Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
