Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
