I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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