Someone shit on the floor
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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