I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
