I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
