So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just gargled with NyQuil
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